Forced Rant

I'm in a weird mood. This will probably be one of those posts that make no sense to anyone but the person who wrote it.
I was out of the house for the last two days. It's amazing how coming back home and seeing certain think instantly reminds me of work that needs to be done, stressed that was caused, stress that I am yet to have, etc. I am a slave to my mental assocations, I'm not in control of my emotions. Granted, I can control my actions a little bit, in spite of my emotions and feelings, but I haven't even been doing that lately.
On the way home this late night, I was thinking how I really don't like myself very much. It's not a kind of self-pity dislike, or the sort where you don't see your own strengths. I just don't like myself as a person. I don't like where I am in life, I don't like many of the things I've done, and even more things I haven't done, how I feel, react, and live. And the fact that I have this feeling and might not do much about it. Pretty lame.
I also noticed this weekend that I'm a paradox in terms of shyness. I can give one person the impression of being very self assured, sociable, open and friendly, while giving another person the impression that I'm shy, uptight and awkward. Needless to say I don't like the latter, but that seems to happen a lot when I'm in a group of people who know each other well, but whom I don't know that well.

I have so many things to work on.

I went to a museum today. I went because my cousin was in town and wanted to meet and old friend whom she hadn't seen in two years. So we met up at the Getty for a couple of hours. I'm not a fan of art or antiques, yet when I do end up going to displays of any sort, the rest of my group usually has to wait up for me, a lot. I don't get that. I wouldn't of gone to the museum of my own initiative, yet the people who do go just browse through the displays like a supermarket isle. It almost annoys me.
I saw a beautiful girl at the museum. I don't say this often. And I probably don't mean it quite like it sounds. Maybe I should of said I saw a girl that intriqued me and set off feelings, emotions, thoughts or maybe just a certain curiosity that I just don't get very often. It wasn't so much her looks, as the impression I got from looking at her. Her style of clothing, her posture, her facial expressions, the way she carried herself, I probably would of liked her gait too, but I don't think I got to watc her walking that much.
I know I'll never see her again, but I also know that if I had somehow told her that she seemed beautiful to me, knowing that I'd never see her again, I would feel a little better now. I wish one could open up one's heart or mind to another person, and show them the true intentions that reside there. This way it would be so much easier to just give women compliments without seeming to have alterior motives. The fear of someone thinking that about me is enough to stunt any effort on my part in telling a stranger the genuine thoughts and feelings I have.

Carpe Diem huh?

I dislike that phrase because for some reason I feel it has been adulterated, commercialized, or overused. Something like that, I don't claim that my feelings are based on fact. But I guess the meaning to the phrase holds true. On the other hand, I really don't know what I could of done differently. Even if there were viable alternatives to not doing anything, I don't think I would of been skilled at executing them.

Over the last few days I met a guy, a half a decade my junior, whom I've developed great affection for. He was visiting from up north, along with many of my cousins and their friends, for my cousins wedding. Though he's young, he has accomplished more than many people twice his age. He started by opening a cell phone store. I believe before he was even 21, he had had a total of 5 or so stores. He kept giving the good stores to his family members and parents, and has in that manner secured their financial well being. He has a wife and a young daughter. He got married young, so his marriage has been tough, but he stuck with it. You cannot go out with him, and pay for anything. He won't have it. He's extremely generous. I don't know him well enough to know what drives him. But I think I do know him well enough to know that in spite of a somewhat rough exterior he has a good heart. Maybe part of it is that he's accomplished in being many of the things I've wanted to be.
So anywho, he just gave his last store to his cousin, and is joining the Army. Since he's of arabic decent and bilingual, he's quite likely to be put to use. In a few days he'll be leaving for bootcamp for 6 months.
I hugged him today when saying bye and told him that he better take good care of himself. I also told him that there probably isn't much I can ever do for him, but that I wanted him to know that if there was, I would be very willing to do it. I guess he saw the sincerity in my eyes, because he embraced me a second time and said that he would miss us all. I hope things go well with him.

My brain is empty.

I think I need a soulmate. Or a mate. Though she would have to be my soulmate. But I guess my soulmate wouldn't necessarily have to be my mate. My mate would definitely have to be a soulmate. Then again, maybe my soulmate wouldn't have to be female. I don't know. Needless to say my mate would need to be female :). Female soulmate would be nice then.
It would be interesting to know what the girl in the museum was really like. If my notions were somewhat in tune with reality and justified.

For now I guess, in the spirit of seeing things positive, I will classify her as something beautiful that I was fortunate to fleetingly witness.

I wish her, and him, and you, much good.