I wonder if...

...there are cases where sharing something beautiful, detracts from its beauty.

Time

Having a laptop and a recliner and a small room with Currant-Jam colored walls is pretty cool sometimes. It allows you to sit on the recliner with a nice ambience at 1:37am and push words onto google's blogging engine.

I still haven't figured out what I want from this. Whether my goal is to have this be somewhat cathartic or to record my days, or to entertain, or or...

I wonder what motivates or drives other's to write.

There are never enough hours in the day. I was talking with a friend a few weeks or months back, about how the night used to be something magical when we were kids. Midnight used to be ghost hour. For all I knew, the whole world was asleep by midnight. The whole world except some criminals and eccentrics and witches and other mystical creatures one almost wanted to believe. Sure I knew they didn't exist, but if they did, they surely would be awake at midnight, scheming. Regardless of that, midnight was so deep in the night. The first few times I stayed up till midnight at a very early age were always rare and memorable occassions. It was three hours past bedtime. Three hours for a child is an eternity. As a kid you can make 7 new friends in three hours, fight with 2 of them, and befriend them again. Children move through time so much differently than adults. They live in the present, while most of us adults seem to live in (or for) the immediate or distant future. Anyways, I'm digressing.
Since it was such a rare occassion to stay up till midnight, staying up all night was even rarer. Life is very differnet when you've never been up all night to witness dawn. Before that the night seems infinitely deep. It's this mystically soothing and intriguing zone wander into everyday, which you can't get out of unless you sleep. Once you sleep, you somehow magically traverse a dimension in your sleep, and wake up at the beginning of a day. Needless to say this romantic and image of the deep infinite night get's ruined once you stay up a few nights and realize how short it actually is, and how soon dawn comes around.
Like right now I'm sitting here at 2am and I still plan to be up for a while. Back in the day, 2am was 2 hours past midnight, which was just like 'woah!'. I kind of miss that way of viewing things. I wish the night really was this indefinite entity that you could only traverse out of once you fell asleep.
So yea, there are never enough hours in the day. Decades ago, the evenings and nights belonged to a person and his family exclusively. Now we take our work with us, sometimes in spirt, but more often in practice. Even if we don't, we are still slaves to TV shows, Computers, Xboxes etc. Not much us Holy or off limits anymore. We just follow these stupid mundane routines for work and leisure and not always, but very often, they are of absolutely no consequence. It's almost like monkeys, sitting there, scratching an itch when they have one and being pretty content with that sort of life.
Going back to children. If time and life is an ocean you move through, then children are like fish, experiencing the different currents and temperatures in the water, meeting and seeing other fishes go by, being aware of the different qualities in the water, stopping here and there to socialise or rest. Going with that analogy, adults are like submarines. Completely oblivious to the details of their surroundings shy of a sonar to avoid collision with other huge objects, but mainly focused on their destination, not the journey. We are all about destinations. It doesn't even have to be big things. It's the thousands of small things. For example when I get in my car to drive home, I'm only focused on getting home. I don't think to myself "A drive home, the potential to see things and learn things, time to myself to ponder, or listen to some music, or maybe talk to someone on the phone that I've not called in a while". Sure, I do many of those things, but the point is that I rarely live my life as a journey anymore. As a kid, a 20 minute car ride was enough time to daydream epic heroic tales of battles, aliens, monsters and glorious friendships (usually with the aliens or monsters or other nemesi that had to be fought initially).
Now I spend the 45 minute commute stressing about what I didn't get done, what I need to get done today, tomorrow and yesterday, what I need to eat, the things someone said today or 3 months ago that bothered me, and all sorts of other items that generally lack positivity.

Lack positivity, kind of like this post. My next post, or a post in the not too distant future will have to be about something beautiful. It's such a screwy world, but still there's so much that's beautiful. It was that notion that made me think of the whole time and how we live through it thing. As a child you get a full experience even if you don't grasp much of it, but as an adult we are constantly just scratching the the surface of life and all the deep and beautiful things that can be found in it.

Needless to say, I'm guilty of everything I've said. Let's see if sayin it all out loud makes doing something about it a little easier :).

Forced Rant

I'm in a weird mood. This will probably be one of those posts that make no sense to anyone but the person who wrote it.
I was out of the house for the last two days. It's amazing how coming back home and seeing certain think instantly reminds me of work that needs to be done, stressed that was caused, stress that I am yet to have, etc. I am a slave to my mental assocations, I'm not in control of my emotions. Granted, I can control my actions a little bit, in spite of my emotions and feelings, but I haven't even been doing that lately.
On the way home this late night, I was thinking how I really don't like myself very much. It's not a kind of self-pity dislike, or the sort where you don't see your own strengths. I just don't like myself as a person. I don't like where I am in life, I don't like many of the things I've done, and even more things I haven't done, how I feel, react, and live. And the fact that I have this feeling and might not do much about it. Pretty lame.
I also noticed this weekend that I'm a paradox in terms of shyness. I can give one person the impression of being very self assured, sociable, open and friendly, while giving another person the impression that I'm shy, uptight and awkward. Needless to say I don't like the latter, but that seems to happen a lot when I'm in a group of people who know each other well, but whom I don't know that well.

I have so many things to work on.

I went to a museum today. I went because my cousin was in town and wanted to meet and old friend whom she hadn't seen in two years. So we met up at the Getty for a couple of hours. I'm not a fan of art or antiques, yet when I do end up going to displays of any sort, the rest of my group usually has to wait up for me, a lot. I don't get that. I wouldn't of gone to the museum of my own initiative, yet the people who do go just browse through the displays like a supermarket isle. It almost annoys me.
I saw a beautiful girl at the museum. I don't say this often. And I probably don't mean it quite like it sounds. Maybe I should of said I saw a girl that intriqued me and set off feelings, emotions, thoughts or maybe just a certain curiosity that I just don't get very often. It wasn't so much her looks, as the impression I got from looking at her. Her style of clothing, her posture, her facial expressions, the way she carried herself, I probably would of liked her gait too, but I don't think I got to watc her walking that much.
I know I'll never see her again, but I also know that if I had somehow told her that she seemed beautiful to me, knowing that I'd never see her again, I would feel a little better now. I wish one could open up one's heart or mind to another person, and show them the true intentions that reside there. This way it would be so much easier to just give women compliments without seeming to have alterior motives. The fear of someone thinking that about me is enough to stunt any effort on my part in telling a stranger the genuine thoughts and feelings I have.

Carpe Diem huh?

I dislike that phrase because for some reason I feel it has been adulterated, commercialized, or overused. Something like that, I don't claim that my feelings are based on fact. But I guess the meaning to the phrase holds true. On the other hand, I really don't know what I could of done differently. Even if there were viable alternatives to not doing anything, I don't think I would of been skilled at executing them.

Over the last few days I met a guy, a half a decade my junior, whom I've developed great affection for. He was visiting from up north, along with many of my cousins and their friends, for my cousins wedding. Though he's young, he has accomplished more than many people twice his age. He started by opening a cell phone store. I believe before he was even 21, he had had a total of 5 or so stores. He kept giving the good stores to his family members and parents, and has in that manner secured their financial well being. He has a wife and a young daughter. He got married young, so his marriage has been tough, but he stuck with it. You cannot go out with him, and pay for anything. He won't have it. He's extremely generous. I don't know him well enough to know what drives him. But I think I do know him well enough to know that in spite of a somewhat rough exterior he has a good heart. Maybe part of it is that he's accomplished in being many of the things I've wanted to be.
So anywho, he just gave his last store to his cousin, and is joining the Army. Since he's of arabic decent and bilingual, he's quite likely to be put to use. In a few days he'll be leaving for bootcamp for 6 months.
I hugged him today when saying bye and told him that he better take good care of himself. I also told him that there probably isn't much I can ever do for him, but that I wanted him to know that if there was, I would be very willing to do it. I guess he saw the sincerity in my eyes, because he embraced me a second time and said that he would miss us all. I hope things go well with him.

My brain is empty.

I think I need a soulmate. Or a mate. Though she would have to be my soulmate. But I guess my soulmate wouldn't necessarily have to be my mate. My mate would definitely have to be a soulmate. Then again, maybe my soulmate wouldn't have to be female. I don't know. Needless to say my mate would need to be female :). Female soulmate would be nice then.
It would be interesting to know what the girl in the museum was really like. If my notions were somewhat in tune with reality and justified.

For now I guess, in the spirit of seeing things positive, I will classify her as something beautiful that I was fortunate to fleetingly witness.

I wish her, and him, and you, much good.

Writing entries

I've never made a real entry into this blog. Not sure if it's out of lazyness or fear of committment or some other strange reason. But I've realized that whenever I have the thoughts and an im the mood for a proper entry, I just don't have the time. Kind of like right now. I could force myself, but the things I really should be and need to be doing would be eating away at the back of my head nonstop. They already are. And it's 11:30pm. I wish I could stop the clock for a few hours each day to just catch up with what I need to do, or just be able to wind down for a couple of hours.
I could lie to myself and say I'll write something later tonight once I'm done with what I need to do. Anwyho, best get with it. I could kick myself really hard for having fallen this behind in the first place. But for some reason even that's not stopping me from sleeping in. I could be bleeding from the wrist and would probably put off getting up for a little bit of extra sleep.

Okay, let's see what I can get done.